Yes,a diagram of the programmer circuit is needed!
It would be helpful to know what software you are using to program the device.
You can do a simple test to see if the hardware works.
Open hyperterminal (any baud rate, lower the better, 9600 will be ok)
plug the programmer into the same com port that hyperterminal is using and turn it on.
Type an uppercase "U" and press enter. IF you get a "U" echoed back, the bootloader is working and your programmer works, so it must be the software.
Some of these programs reset the device using some of the serial port pins, this may/may not be your problem, I don't know.