For all you skeptics out there, you were correct. I finally got PWM going with a 12F683. Using a one in 24 duty cycle, it created a beautiful sawtooth waveform varying from 46-48V across the relay/cap, everything worked just fine. The only problem was the mosfet got just as hot as the old resistor did, so the net result (other than learning about PWM) was zero. I'm using a VN2410L, a nice little mosfet with what looked like good spec to my uneducated eye . So much to learn, so little time (sigh).
So I want to look at the capacitor thing again briefly. What is an "X-rated" capacitor when looking in the DigiKey or Newark catalog? The only X I could find is like X7R which can't be it.
I'm also going to look into 120V AC relays and a triac as a last resort. So far I haven't found any triac's with gate trigger current of less than 5ma according to the specs, which is about what I need for my original circuit so no gain there. Perhaps they don't actually need this much.