Hey there Electro-Tech,
Some of my fondest memories were spent on this site, as a young, inexperienced and quite curious young kid being exposed to the internet for the first time. I was fortunate to come across this forum, filled with brilliant people willing to give a new kid a helping hand. In those 6 years since leaving the forum, I've experienced an incredible amount, and decided to come back and tell my story, and maybe stick around for a while. I have quite a lot to tell, however you just may want a stiff drink for this one.
When I first joined Electro-Tech-Online, I had just finished some of my first projects using discrete analog and digital logic IC's, such as the venerable 555 timer and miscellaneous 74 series logic. I had gone through the entire Radioshack "Electronic Learning Lab" kits, and was looking for more difficult, challenging projects, thus leading to my search for electronics projects. As many of the older users remember, Electro-Tech-Online used to be nicknamed "Electronics Projects diagrams free", or something along the lines of that. My search had brought me upon this forum and after spending a brief time browsing through the various threads and topics, I hastily signed up. I was 13 years old and many of you can remember all of the "interesting" things to come.
When I was 13-15, I was a loaner. I was the kid in school that had no friends and just built projects and stayed home a lot. This circle of wonderful, talented people were my closest friends and mentors. I buried myself in my projects and I would spend days reading every bit I could, whatever was suggested to try and learn more. It really became a process where I felt like I had some real friends in my life and I wanted to impress them with what I was learning. Being that young and on the internet, unsupervised of course lead to my outlandish behavior, but as a young kid that was really the worst of it. As many of the veteran members remember, my outbursts were just a product of me literally being a young, stupid kid.
Around the time I threatened suicide (as many of you will remember), I actually was coming to terms with many feelings pent up for years prior. I knew since I was young (I vividly remember at age 12) feeling envious of girls, and feeling out of place in my own body. Also I was coming to terms with being attracted to males. Basically, I was struggling with my sexuality and gender identity, and it lashed out. At the time I didn't tell my parents, because I didn't realize it would become such a significant part of my life, and that I didn't know that "coming out" was such a thing. I went to therapy, and didn't really make much progress. I buried my feelings and returned to working on my projects. In a way, this forum and my hobby was a way to escape and ignore what I was feeling.
The next couple years were spent exploring my feelings, trying to distract myself with my projects and hobbies. I was working towards keeping my grades up so that I could be accepted to the local University for Electrical Engineering (which I was later accepted to, and with several large scholarships for my time spent on the High School Robotics team).
Fast forward to July 2010, Just after my 17th birthday. I spent the previous year really trying to understand my feelings, talking with the couple friends I made in High School, it was at this time I could truly label myself as Homosexual and Transgender. Wow. I really knew how to describe how I felt. As surprising as it was, I felt relief, I wasn't just "mixed up" inside, there were other people like me out there, living normal lives and still being who they wanted to be. I built up the confidence to tell my sister, and the conversation that ensued was rather disappointing. Plenty of put downs about how I would make an ugly woman, how I don't know I'm gay because I've never been with a man, various other things were said. It was an upsetting conversation, I was done talking with her and I went to bed.
Next morning, I am enjoying a sandwich (mind you this is during summer vacation at the time for me) and my mom comes home, and very sternly asks me if there is something I need to tell her. I can feel a pit form in my stomach in an instant. I start shaking, I know that this is going to go very wrong. I eventually am able to stammer out that I think I am gay and transgender and she immediately starts screaming. Telling me I'm wrong, that someone told me that I was this way (on the contrary, I was the first gay and transgender person I knew). I immediately started crying and ran to the basement. I spent the next 3 days in the basement just crying my eyes out. In that moment I felt so broken, like I was such a failure and I did something wrong. Before that moment I was a confused, but otherwise happy kid. It started a long spiral of self destruction that took years to get over. My parents tell me that I need therapy to get over this "phase". I spent months in therapy with a therapist that caused more harm than good and I refused to talk to him about what had happened.
That August, I was very depressed and lonely, and started to talking to guys online. I was in a very terrible state emotionally as I had no support from my friends or family, and was desperately looking for some sort of emotional attachment to help. I met up with a guy I had talked to online, alone, and he proceeded to rape me. He was much bigger than I was and I was just forced to be used by him. After that moment I felt many times worse than I did prior and when I started my senior year my previous grades of A's and B's slid into D's, and I even failed a couple classes. I came to school, slept and cried, that's the best way to describe my senior year.
I was hospitalized in October for suicidal ideation, basically I was deemed suicidal by my therapist and sent to a hospital for 3 days to deal with my depression. After I got out, I was prescribed antidepressants that made me feel empty and I began cutting, trying to feel some emotion. my forearms were covered in cuts, but covered by my baggy clothes and no one knew. I had no one to talk to. The few friends I could talk to didn't want to deal with my issues, and I had given up on life. I learned that I was accepted to my University of choice so I didn't give up hoping that it would change things for me.
I graduated, just barely hanging onto my chance to get into school. If my grades had slipped much more I would not have made it in. I started my internship at Bosch Engineering and things were... disappointing. I wasn't enjoying the work, I was tired of trying to convince my parents to let me see a doctor or a therapist that would help me start hormone replacement therapy. I decided to buy hormones (Spironolactone and Estrogen) online and began taking them in September 2011. I began buying more feminine clothing and I was feeling a bit more comfortable about myself.
My internship ended and I began classes and I struggled to adjust. I was still extremely unhappy, both from myself and dealing with people in general. I didn't feel like I was making any progress in my transitioning and ended up in the hospital again for suicide. After I got out, I had an old friend from my home town invite me to dinner, with him and another friend of his. I go over, and his friend is a skinny, attractive guy. We began talking and pretty much instantly fell in love. He came with me and we spent the weekend together at my dorm, and just talked about everything, it was an amazing feeling to have someone really, truly love and care about you.
He got into a massive fight with his step dad and was kicked out. Not knowing what to do, I let him stay with me in the dorm. After a few days he was asked to leave, or I would be ejected from the Dorms. Having no clue what to do (that's a common theme here), I thought maybe he could stay the night at my parents house until we figured things out. I introduce him to my parents and they immediately freaked out. They kicked him out (he was 5'9", 115 pounds, a very non threatening skinny feminine kid) and he walked in the cold 5 miles to my friends house. I was stuck arguing with my parents, and gave up and slammed the door. My mom opened the door and grabbed me by the hair, dragging me in and began beating me. I was cut up and my dad offered to take me to my friends house (luckily the same friend my partner walked to). I walked in the door and broke down and collapsed, crying, in his arms.
This was taken about Febuary 2012, Nolan (later Emily) is on the left.
Our lives revolved around each other, since we had no real incentive to try and live for ourselves. It was a relationship built on helping the other person cope with all the things we had dealt with. I hated school and dealt with harassment and discrimination at my following internship, and the entire experience put me off of wanting to try at all at school. We had a tense relationship at times, both from our own in-maturities and just the broad spectrum of issues we had. Having high amounts of estrogen didn't help.
I gave up and dropped out a semester later, and things with my partner didn't work out and we broke up on bad terms in December 2012. I moved back home and my parents would hold "interventions" to try and set me "straight" and talk me out of who I was. I was extremely depressed and reached out to my local LGBT organization asking for a place to live while I tried to get my life together. On Feburary 2nd 2013 I met with someone who had a place for me to stay in a month or so, when he moved out of his apartment to a trailer in a very tiny city about an hour north of where I was living. I would take care of the house and try and work towards getting a job. We had a plan set out and he dropped me off... to a house completely locked. I couldn't get in, all the doors were locked (we lived in a relatively rural area so we never locked doors) and my mom opens the door and says "I found the hormones, you need to go". I wasn't about to argue, I was more than happy to get my stuff and leave. I packed a backpack and a duffel bag full of clothes, all the while my mom is threatening to push me down the stairs. I was terrified, since she had attacked me before. I called the police and my roommate, and I left that night.
Taken about March, behind me is a computer I built by accidentally screwing up my taxes and getting a ton of money back, turned out okay. I was really unhealthy in this picture. Yes I have a septum piercing. When you make 8 bucks an hour you don't really care much eh?
I was now sleeping on a couch of a guy I barely knew. I had no money, no food, just a bag full of clothes. For about 3 weeks I slept on his couch, and eventually we moved into the trailer. My room was barely big enough for a bed and a desk, but I felt safe. He was very friendly and things were okay... until I had no food. I applied for food stamps (welfare in Michigan) since he would be busy at work and I would be at home with nothing to eat. For about 2 months, I had almost no food, starving, just barely enough money to eat once every couple days. I lost about 30 pounds in 2 months just from lack of eating. I slept around with a lot of guys just so I could get money and enough food.
This was in late april 2013, I was struggling with my eating and having a lot of issues. I looked okay I suppose.
In April, I was hired at a small computer repair place about 20 minutes away, and my dad offered to let me borrow the car so that I could get to work and back. I was working for just barely above minimum wage, but I was finally working and making money. I thought things were smoothing over with my parents, and in late april I moved back home. Huge mistake. Things were immediately off to a terrible start. I could not present or dress female in front of my family (I was skinny and on hormones for about 4-5 months so I looked fairly feminine) and I would leave the house in baggy clothes, then change on my way to work. Luckily, working in IT is fairly accepting of LGBT people so my work had no issue with it. My boss was a scumbag that would make rude comments but I was thankful for a job. In June my Ex, Emily (formerly Nolan) messaged me.
We were back together shortly before this picture was taken. I kind of have a hard time smiling in pictures. Roughly June 2013
We chatted and met for lunch. We instantly fell back in love. We had a very strong bond and knew we made mistakes. We made plans to get an apartment together not too far from my job, and in early July we moved in together. About a week later I was fired for reporting a wage dispute, my boss was not paying us correctly and I told the parent company we worked for. I was later hired in full time for about 3 times more than what I was making previously. I was making enough to support myself and Emily. She struggled to find a job and that put stress on our relationship, and she moved in to a friend's house even though we still were together. I gave up trying to transition since I felt like I couldn't make any progress. I gained weight and felt really unattractive. Emily moved back in and really worked hard to get a job and things were fantastic.
It's now July 1st, Emily and I have been doing fantastic together, I was eating healthier and as far as I knew our relationship was doing great. We were very happy together and she had a job working as a field laborer in a local farm. I quit my job from doing computer repair and was working at a managed services company doing server administration. I hadn't heard from Emily almost all day, so I was anxious to get home and give her a big hug. I remember walking through the door and the entire apartment being incredibly hot. Too hot for someone to stay in. It really had me a bit upset because it must have been over 90 degrees. I called for her but I heard no response. Things felt too quiet. Normally the moment she hears the door open she would jump out of her hiding spot and hug me, and we'd talk about her day. Not today. It was silent.
I head to the bedroom and try to open the door, it felt like it was wedged shut. I pushed with some force and I heard something fall from behind the door, surprised I open the door and turn on the light to find Emily laying on the ground, with a belt around her neck, blue. She hung herself, about 4 hours prior to me getting home. No note, nothing. She just impulsively decided to kill herself. We didn't have a fight, we were doing okay. Better than okay I thought. I remember screaming as loud as I could, I just froze up and screamed and ran out of the room. I felt like if I screamed loud enough she would somehow be fine, but I knew. The once always smiling, beautiful face was a unnatural blue, she was cold to the touch. I panicked and threw a blanket over her. I called 911 and they were there in minutes. I called her parents and told her mom that Emily had committed suicide, she didn't believe me. She came over and just was in utter disbelief. I called my Dad and said that **** happens and I'll get over it. I also won't forget the cop saying "Hey look on the bright side, at least it wasn't a shooting!"
Emily's obituary:
**broken link removed**
July 2nd my car broke down and July 3rd was my birthday. I had a panic attack at work and freaked out, telling Emily's parents I was going to kill myself. The police came and I was in a hospital for about 6 days for suicide ideation... again. I was in a psych ward with schizophrenic gang bangers telling me that they kill f*ggots and how they're freaks. I was glad to be out of the hospital. I spent the next few months in a haze, going to work, coming home, sleeping. The panic attacks would be overpowering and unfortunately many new scars were added. I didn't know where my life was headed.
In September I knew I had to transition, change my name and get as far away from here as I could. I began taking hormones more regularly this time through a doctor, and in November I quit my old job. In December I changed my name (taking Emily's last name of Marrs for my middle, so that she'll always be with me in some way). I have been presenting female full time (basically means that old me is gone) and I feel like I can begin moving on. I've lost 30 pounds and I'm back down to a healthy weight and feeling confident about myself for the first time in a long time, in the end the only person I needed was myself, it just took me a long time and a lot of pain to find my inner strength.
I work for a small IT consulting company (and as a camgirl on the side) in a nice city, I just purchased my own car (2014 Malibu LS) and soon I will be going back to school to obtain my Computer or Electrical Engineering degree. I feel like I have been through more than many people could think of experiencing, and although some days are near impossible I still take steps forward and haven't given up. Nowadays I spend a lot of my time still working on projects, still just as curious and intrigued as before.
Hope you all enjoyed the story I had to tell,
Nikki
Some of my fondest memories were spent on this site, as a young, inexperienced and quite curious young kid being exposed to the internet for the first time. I was fortunate to come across this forum, filled with brilliant people willing to give a new kid a helping hand. In those 6 years since leaving the forum, I've experienced an incredible amount, and decided to come back and tell my story, and maybe stick around for a while. I have quite a lot to tell, however you just may want a stiff drink for this one.
When I first joined Electro-Tech-Online, I had just finished some of my first projects using discrete analog and digital logic IC's, such as the venerable 555 timer and miscellaneous 74 series logic. I had gone through the entire Radioshack "Electronic Learning Lab" kits, and was looking for more difficult, challenging projects, thus leading to my search for electronics projects. As many of the older users remember, Electro-Tech-Online used to be nicknamed "Electronics Projects diagrams free", or something along the lines of that. My search had brought me upon this forum and after spending a brief time browsing through the various threads and topics, I hastily signed up. I was 13 years old and many of you can remember all of the "interesting" things to come.
When I was 13-15, I was a loaner. I was the kid in school that had no friends and just built projects and stayed home a lot. This circle of wonderful, talented people were my closest friends and mentors. I buried myself in my projects and I would spend days reading every bit I could, whatever was suggested to try and learn more. It really became a process where I felt like I had some real friends in my life and I wanted to impress them with what I was learning. Being that young and on the internet, unsupervised of course lead to my outlandish behavior, but as a young kid that was really the worst of it. As many of the veteran members remember, my outbursts were just a product of me literally being a young, stupid kid.
Around the time I threatened suicide (as many of you will remember), I actually was coming to terms with many feelings pent up for years prior. I knew since I was young (I vividly remember at age 12) feeling envious of girls, and feeling out of place in my own body. Also I was coming to terms with being attracted to males. Basically, I was struggling with my sexuality and gender identity, and it lashed out. At the time I didn't tell my parents, because I didn't realize it would become such a significant part of my life, and that I didn't know that "coming out" was such a thing. I went to therapy, and didn't really make much progress. I buried my feelings and returned to working on my projects. In a way, this forum and my hobby was a way to escape and ignore what I was feeling.
The next couple years were spent exploring my feelings, trying to distract myself with my projects and hobbies. I was working towards keeping my grades up so that I could be accepted to the local University for Electrical Engineering (which I was later accepted to, and with several large scholarships for my time spent on the High School Robotics team).
Fast forward to July 2010, Just after my 17th birthday. I spent the previous year really trying to understand my feelings, talking with the couple friends I made in High School, it was at this time I could truly label myself as Homosexual and Transgender. Wow. I really knew how to describe how I felt. As surprising as it was, I felt relief, I wasn't just "mixed up" inside, there were other people like me out there, living normal lives and still being who they wanted to be. I built up the confidence to tell my sister, and the conversation that ensued was rather disappointing. Plenty of put downs about how I would make an ugly woman, how I don't know I'm gay because I've never been with a man, various other things were said. It was an upsetting conversation, I was done talking with her and I went to bed.
Next morning, I am enjoying a sandwich (mind you this is during summer vacation at the time for me) and my mom comes home, and very sternly asks me if there is something I need to tell her. I can feel a pit form in my stomach in an instant. I start shaking, I know that this is going to go very wrong. I eventually am able to stammer out that I think I am gay and transgender and she immediately starts screaming. Telling me I'm wrong, that someone told me that I was this way (on the contrary, I was the first gay and transgender person I knew). I immediately started crying and ran to the basement. I spent the next 3 days in the basement just crying my eyes out. In that moment I felt so broken, like I was such a failure and I did something wrong. Before that moment I was a confused, but otherwise happy kid. It started a long spiral of self destruction that took years to get over. My parents tell me that I need therapy to get over this "phase". I spent months in therapy with a therapist that caused more harm than good and I refused to talk to him about what had happened.
That August, I was very depressed and lonely, and started to talking to guys online. I was in a very terrible state emotionally as I had no support from my friends or family, and was desperately looking for some sort of emotional attachment to help. I met up with a guy I had talked to online, alone, and he proceeded to rape me. He was much bigger than I was and I was just forced to be used by him. After that moment I felt many times worse than I did prior and when I started my senior year my previous grades of A's and B's slid into D's, and I even failed a couple classes. I came to school, slept and cried, that's the best way to describe my senior year.
I was hospitalized in October for suicidal ideation, basically I was deemed suicidal by my therapist and sent to a hospital for 3 days to deal with my depression. After I got out, I was prescribed antidepressants that made me feel empty and I began cutting, trying to feel some emotion. my forearms were covered in cuts, but covered by my baggy clothes and no one knew. I had no one to talk to. The few friends I could talk to didn't want to deal with my issues, and I had given up on life. I learned that I was accepted to my University of choice so I didn't give up hoping that it would change things for me.
I graduated, just barely hanging onto my chance to get into school. If my grades had slipped much more I would not have made it in. I started my internship at Bosch Engineering and things were... disappointing. I wasn't enjoying the work, I was tired of trying to convince my parents to let me see a doctor or a therapist that would help me start hormone replacement therapy. I decided to buy hormones (Spironolactone and Estrogen) online and began taking them in September 2011. I began buying more feminine clothing and I was feeling a bit more comfortable about myself.
My internship ended and I began classes and I struggled to adjust. I was still extremely unhappy, both from myself and dealing with people in general. I didn't feel like I was making any progress in my transitioning and ended up in the hospital again for suicide. After I got out, I had an old friend from my home town invite me to dinner, with him and another friend of his. I go over, and his friend is a skinny, attractive guy. We began talking and pretty much instantly fell in love. He came with me and we spent the weekend together at my dorm, and just talked about everything, it was an amazing feeling to have someone really, truly love and care about you.
He got into a massive fight with his step dad and was kicked out. Not knowing what to do, I let him stay with me in the dorm. After a few days he was asked to leave, or I would be ejected from the Dorms. Having no clue what to do (that's a common theme here), I thought maybe he could stay the night at my parents house until we figured things out. I introduce him to my parents and they immediately freaked out. They kicked him out (he was 5'9", 115 pounds, a very non threatening skinny feminine kid) and he walked in the cold 5 miles to my friends house. I was stuck arguing with my parents, and gave up and slammed the door. My mom opened the door and grabbed me by the hair, dragging me in and began beating me. I was cut up and my dad offered to take me to my friends house (luckily the same friend my partner walked to). I walked in the door and broke down and collapsed, crying, in his arms.
This was taken about Febuary 2012, Nolan (later Emily) is on the left.
Our lives revolved around each other, since we had no real incentive to try and live for ourselves. It was a relationship built on helping the other person cope with all the things we had dealt with. I hated school and dealt with harassment and discrimination at my following internship, and the entire experience put me off of wanting to try at all at school. We had a tense relationship at times, both from our own in-maturities and just the broad spectrum of issues we had. Having high amounts of estrogen didn't help.
I gave up and dropped out a semester later, and things with my partner didn't work out and we broke up on bad terms in December 2012. I moved back home and my parents would hold "interventions" to try and set me "straight" and talk me out of who I was. I was extremely depressed and reached out to my local LGBT organization asking for a place to live while I tried to get my life together. On Feburary 2nd 2013 I met with someone who had a place for me to stay in a month or so, when he moved out of his apartment to a trailer in a very tiny city about an hour north of where I was living. I would take care of the house and try and work towards getting a job. We had a plan set out and he dropped me off... to a house completely locked. I couldn't get in, all the doors were locked (we lived in a relatively rural area so we never locked doors) and my mom opens the door and says "I found the hormones, you need to go". I wasn't about to argue, I was more than happy to get my stuff and leave. I packed a backpack and a duffel bag full of clothes, all the while my mom is threatening to push me down the stairs. I was terrified, since she had attacked me before. I called the police and my roommate, and I left that night.
Taken about March, behind me is a computer I built by accidentally screwing up my taxes and getting a ton of money back, turned out okay. I was really unhealthy in this picture. Yes I have a septum piercing. When you make 8 bucks an hour you don't really care much eh?
I was now sleeping on a couch of a guy I barely knew. I had no money, no food, just a bag full of clothes. For about 3 weeks I slept on his couch, and eventually we moved into the trailer. My room was barely big enough for a bed and a desk, but I felt safe. He was very friendly and things were okay... until I had no food. I applied for food stamps (welfare in Michigan) since he would be busy at work and I would be at home with nothing to eat. For about 2 months, I had almost no food, starving, just barely enough money to eat once every couple days. I lost about 30 pounds in 2 months just from lack of eating. I slept around with a lot of guys just so I could get money and enough food.
This was in late april 2013, I was struggling with my eating and having a lot of issues. I looked okay I suppose.
In April, I was hired at a small computer repair place about 20 minutes away, and my dad offered to let me borrow the car so that I could get to work and back. I was working for just barely above minimum wage, but I was finally working and making money. I thought things were smoothing over with my parents, and in late april I moved back home. Huge mistake. Things were immediately off to a terrible start. I could not present or dress female in front of my family (I was skinny and on hormones for about 4-5 months so I looked fairly feminine) and I would leave the house in baggy clothes, then change on my way to work. Luckily, working in IT is fairly accepting of LGBT people so my work had no issue with it. My boss was a scumbag that would make rude comments but I was thankful for a job. In June my Ex, Emily (formerly Nolan) messaged me.
We were back together shortly before this picture was taken. I kind of have a hard time smiling in pictures. Roughly June 2013
We chatted and met for lunch. We instantly fell back in love. We had a very strong bond and knew we made mistakes. We made plans to get an apartment together not too far from my job, and in early July we moved in together. About a week later I was fired for reporting a wage dispute, my boss was not paying us correctly and I told the parent company we worked for. I was later hired in full time for about 3 times more than what I was making previously. I was making enough to support myself and Emily. She struggled to find a job and that put stress on our relationship, and she moved in to a friend's house even though we still were together. I gave up trying to transition since I felt like I couldn't make any progress. I gained weight and felt really unattractive. Emily moved back in and really worked hard to get a job and things were fantastic.
It's now July 1st, Emily and I have been doing fantastic together, I was eating healthier and as far as I knew our relationship was doing great. We were very happy together and she had a job working as a field laborer in a local farm. I quit my job from doing computer repair and was working at a managed services company doing server administration. I hadn't heard from Emily almost all day, so I was anxious to get home and give her a big hug. I remember walking through the door and the entire apartment being incredibly hot. Too hot for someone to stay in. It really had me a bit upset because it must have been over 90 degrees. I called for her but I heard no response. Things felt too quiet. Normally the moment she hears the door open she would jump out of her hiding spot and hug me, and we'd talk about her day. Not today. It was silent.
I head to the bedroom and try to open the door, it felt like it was wedged shut. I pushed with some force and I heard something fall from behind the door, surprised I open the door and turn on the light to find Emily laying on the ground, with a belt around her neck, blue. She hung herself, about 4 hours prior to me getting home. No note, nothing. She just impulsively decided to kill herself. We didn't have a fight, we were doing okay. Better than okay I thought. I remember screaming as loud as I could, I just froze up and screamed and ran out of the room. I felt like if I screamed loud enough she would somehow be fine, but I knew. The once always smiling, beautiful face was a unnatural blue, she was cold to the touch. I panicked and threw a blanket over her. I called 911 and they were there in minutes. I called her parents and told her mom that Emily had committed suicide, she didn't believe me. She came over and just was in utter disbelief. I called my Dad and said that **** happens and I'll get over it. I also won't forget the cop saying "Hey look on the bright side, at least it wasn't a shooting!"
Emily's obituary:
**broken link removed**
July 2nd my car broke down and July 3rd was my birthday. I had a panic attack at work and freaked out, telling Emily's parents I was going to kill myself. The police came and I was in a hospital for about 6 days for suicide ideation... again. I was in a psych ward with schizophrenic gang bangers telling me that they kill f*ggots and how they're freaks. I was glad to be out of the hospital. I spent the next few months in a haze, going to work, coming home, sleeping. The panic attacks would be overpowering and unfortunately many new scars were added. I didn't know where my life was headed.
In September I knew I had to transition, change my name and get as far away from here as I could. I began taking hormones more regularly this time through a doctor, and in November I quit my old job. In December I changed my name (taking Emily's last name of Marrs for my middle, so that she'll always be with me in some way). I have been presenting female full time (basically means that old me is gone) and I feel like I can begin moving on. I've lost 30 pounds and I'm back down to a healthy weight and feeling confident about myself for the first time in a long time, in the end the only person I needed was myself, it just took me a long time and a lot of pain to find my inner strength.
I work for a small IT consulting company (and as a camgirl on the side) in a nice city, I just purchased my own car (2014 Malibu LS) and soon I will be going back to school to obtain my Computer or Electrical Engineering degree. I feel like I have been through more than many people could think of experiencing, and although some days are near impossible I still take steps forward and haven't given up. Nowadays I spend a lot of my time still working on projects, still just as curious and intrigued as before.
Hope you all enjoyed the story I had to tell,
Nikki
