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1: I had forgotten to connect the MCLR pin to a positive supply (with a pull up resistor and capacitor combination of course). So the chip was in constant reset.
2: I had the clock set to RC, instead of HS. I am using a 4 MHz external oscillator.
3: The PIC chip I was using was broken anyway. Hooray for wasting my time.
Otherwise the code's still not working properly; nothing's coming out the serial port, HOWEVER, there is a confirmation that the chip is doing what it's supposed to be doing.
From the readings: