Want a good laugh?

Sam slumps on the sofa and stares at the ceiling.
"Dangerously high cholesterol levels- lose five stone or you won't see forty. Cut out the beer and the junk food and get some exercise, and by the way, while you're about it, stop smoking." That's what the doctor had told him.

Sam selects Sky on the remote.
"... and now viewers a brand new product- The Weight Shedder programme from Ronk Laboratories. You can lose at least two pounds a day- every day- with this simple programme. No special equipment is needed and it's only £20 a session for the first 5 days; that's just £10 for each pound you lose..."

Sam thinks,
"Two pounds a day- that means I could lose five stone in 35 days; no way. That's bollocks!"

He is just about to switch channels but has second thoughts.
"Just a minute- why not give it a try? £100 won't exactly break the bank and, anyway, if it doesn't work I can just get a refund- what's to lose?"

So Sam phones Ronk and books a week's course. They tell him to be dressed in shorts, sweatshirt, and trainers by 10am on Monday when a rep would call for the first session.

At 10am there is a knock on the door. Sam answers to find a slim Swedish stunner, also wearing sports kit. She says not a word, but with a teasing smile points to a sign around her neck:
'IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME'

She then runs off down the street. In a flash Sam darts after her.

After two miles they reach the town park where she slows slightly. Huffing and puffing Sam catches her up and leads her into the bushes. There he has his way with her. Afterwards she phones for a company car. When it arrives she says to Sam,
"Now you will have to walk home too. Bye!"

Sam feels so good that he runs most of the way home where he weighs himself- not 2lbs loss but 3lbs. He is delighted. He was going to the pub that night but instead fell asleep on the sofa in front of the TV.

On Tuesday morning, in spite of being stiff, Sam is raring to go. Sure enough at 10am there is a knock on the door. This time it's an athletic Norwegian beauty with the same sign around her neck:
'IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME'

Even though she runs faster, Sam still manages to catch her in the park.

When Sam gets home he isn't quite so exhausted. And so it goes on for the rest of the week: each day a different girl and each day the pace increases. Sam is feeling fitter and fitter.

By Saturday he is overjoyed to have lost eleven pounds so he phones Ronk to book another week of sessions. The customer service rep explains that the next phase is much more advanced and would be at the company's standard rate of £80 a session. Sam chokes at the cost but, after a slight hesitation agrees. The rest of Saturday drags and he is so restless on Sunday that he even takes a run to the park and back.

Sam is up and dressed in his sports kit by 8am on Monday. He can hardly wait, but at last it is 10am and there is a knock. Sam opens the door. Standing on the doorstep with his foot in the doorway is a six-foot Turk. He is grinning and pointing to a sign around his neck:
'IF I CATCH YOU, I WILL HAVE YOU'

Hannibal Lector's lawyer arrives at death row.
"I bring good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of execution. You will still be going to the electric chair at 5am tomorrow."

"Oh! So how could there be any good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"

The other day I met a blind date in a restaurant; but we got chucked out when her guide dog peed on the carpet.

An old fella goes to the doctor. He says,
"Doctor I am getting fed up; every morning at seven, I have a pee."

The doctor replies,
"That's nothing to worry about- it's quite normal. In fact it's a good thing."

"Yes, but I don't wake till eight."

What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask old folks what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went to town and went into a store. We were only there for about five minutes but when we came out, a cop was writing out a parking ticket.
We walked up to him and I said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi bas---d.
He glared at me and started writing a second ticket, this one for having worn tires.
Marilyn called him a s--t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we told the pig what we thought of him, the more tickets he wrote out.

Personally, we didn't care, because we caught the bus to town.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Thomas and Alice Hopkins married a year ago. An addition to the family is imminent and Thomas is anxiously phoning Doctor Evans in the village.

"Doctor! You'd better get up here quickly. Alice's waters have broken and the baby's about to come."

"Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the birth Thomas. The snow drifts are four feet deep and the mountain road is impassable. I'm afraid you will have to help Alice with the baby yourself."

"Oh! goodness, I'm not sure what to do."

"Don't worry Thomas. Childbirth is quite natural. You have seen the vet delivering your lambs- just follow the same procedure. And remember when you cut the cord, do so four inches from the baby's belly and ensure you knot it tightly at both ends. You will need plenty of hot water and some towels. And keep everything spotlessly clean. Phone me immediately when the baby is born or if you have any problems. Good luck."

"Oh! dear, thank you Doctor."

Two hours later, Thomas phones back.

"Hello Doctor Evans, is that you?"

"Hello Thomas, is everything OK?"

"Smashin, thank you Doctor. We have a beautiful little girl."

"Ah! that's excellent. How is Alice."

"She is fine. But I had a hellova job getting her to swallow the afterbirth."

Have you heard Stevie Wonder's latest joke?

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(fanny means something different in UK)

Top professional golfer, Vijay Singh, has proposed to Nick Faldo's former caddy, Fanny Sunesson.

Vijay said,
"I would love to make her Fanny Singh."

My wife keeps saying that anything I can do, she can do twice as well.

I bought a shirt; she bought two blouses.

I did a ten-mile marathon; she did a twenty-mile marathon.

I earn £18K; she got a job paying £36K.

So I donated a kidney.

Samantha goes to see a psychiatrist.
"I need your help- my husband thinks he's a refrigerator."

"Well that's nothing too much to worry about." says the psychiatrist. "I would say that's a fairly harmless delusion."

"Yes, but the thing is, he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake all night."

Mrs Ashton drags little Johnny to his house by his ear. She says to his mother,
"I caught him playing 'doctors and nurses' with my daughter Charlotte."

Johnny's mother says,
"Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at eight years old."

"Curious about sex!" replies Charlotte's mother. "He's removed her appendix."

Over breakfast, Susan quizzed her husband,
"I bet you've forgotten what day it is today."

"Of course I haven't," he answered hastily.
After downing his coffee, Alan kissed his wife goodbye and left for the office.

Two hours later, Alan rang.
"Don't make tea tonight Susan- just be ready to go out by seven when I get home."

"But where are we going- what will I wear?"

"Its a surprise- just be ready." and he rang off.

While Susan was deciding which dress to wear: purple, cerise, or possibly the black, the doorbell rang. It was Interflora with a dozen red roses.

She had more or less decided on a powder blue trouser suit when the doorbell rang again. A courier presented her with a box of Thornton's Continental dark chocolates.

That evening, after complimenting the chef on the meal, they sat on the balcony of Luigi's Italian restaurant sipping Cognac and chatting. Susan was glad she had worn her white dress because it caught the moonlight. With a gentle sigh, she said,
"Thank you for being so thoughtful darling- the roses, the chocolates and a lovely dinner- this has been a wonderful pancake day."

Roy Rogers, the singing cowboy, rides into town on his horse, Trigger.

The sheriff rushes up to him and says,
"Roy, I've got some terrible news for you, the Indians have been on the rampage again. And, you know your ranch house you took ten years a building; well I'm afraid they have burnt it to the ground."

"On no" Roy replied."

"And you know the thousand acres you were gona harvest, well they have ripped up your fences and set the corn ablaze."

"No, No!"

"And your young wife, Mary; sorry to tell you this Roy, but they tied her to a post and each of them took their turn with her."

"Oh God no, no! I must get back to the ranch, now!"

"Just one thing more Roy, before you go... give us a song."

An Oklahoma red dirt farmer is troubled because his three girls are going on their first dates.
Sitting in the porch with his scattergun by his side, he waits for the boyfriends to call.

The first guy arrives.
"Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're going for
spaghetti, is she ready?"

The second guy arrives.
"Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo to take her to
the disco. Is she set to go?"

The third guy arrives.
"Hi, I'm Buck...."
The farmer let him have both barrels.

Siamese twins walk into a Baton Rouge bar and sit on a single stool.
One of them says to the bartender,
"Two beers please. Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, makes polite conversation while getting the cans out of the cooler.
"Have you guys been on vacation yet?"

"We fly to England next month, driving from Lands' End to John o' Groats in a rental auto- we go every year don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the barman. "Wonderful country- the history, the culture, the beer."

"Nah, we don't like England much and we can't stand the beer."

"So why go to England then?" asks the barman.

"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."

A tenderfoot is called to Wanatay's tepee. The shaman says,
"The time is near my son- when the snow melts you will be a man and you will hunt the buffalo. You must act like a man. You must be bold and fearless. You must always respect your parents and elders. Is there anything you would like to ask me?"

"Yes, Wanatay, I have always wondered how you chose the names for the babies when they are born. There have been many, many in the Dakota nation and you have named them all."

"This is true, but it is not me that thinks of the name. When a baby is born the gods always give me a sign. For example, when your father, Running Bear, was born, a bear ran in the forest. And when your mother, Gliding Bird, was born, a bird glided in the sky."

With that the tenderfoot thanks the shaman and says,
"Goodbye Wanatay!"

As the tenderfoot walks towards the forest, the shaman shouts after him,
"Come back and see me soon, Two Dogs F**king."

Lester de Ville is convicted of embezzlement by the state. He is sentenced to five years in one of the hardest penitentiaries in Louisiana.

After spending a troubled first night sharing a cell with an inmate who is incarcerated for making various household items out of his wife, he waits, nervously, in-line for breakfast. A huge 'good old boy' taps him on the shoulder,
"You wan a ticket for the warden's ball?"

Lester spins around and after coughing up his Adam's apple replies,
"No thank you very much- I would love to go, but I'm afraid I don't dance."

"It's not a dance, it's a raffle!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto, his faithful companion, are on the trail of the Indians that ransacked Roy Rogers' 'Double R Ranch'. They have been in the saddle for two days.

Tonto says,
"Kemo Sabe, tracks lead into Blanco Canyon."

When they ride into Blanco Canyon, fifty braves jump out from behind the rocks and block their retreat. Then fifty more appear in front of them.

The Masked Rider says,
"Looks like we are done for this time, my old friend."

Tonto replies,
"Why you say 'we'- paleface."

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

We have a request for a written jokes thread as opposed to funny images.

The guide lines are that this is a family friendly site. We do get some younger members looking for help on school projects. Let's keep it easy for teachers to recommend our site. Bear in mind this site is visited by many races and cultures. So racial jokes or dirty jokes are not acceptable.

Give us you best good humor that all can appreciate.