Want a good laugh?

[Inquisitive]

A vagrant is going door to door looking for work.

He comes across this mansion its a classic mansion with a large veranda. He walks up to the front door and knocks on the door.
A butler appears.
Butler: Can I be of assitance to you?
Vagrant: Yes, I'm going door to door looking for odd jobs. Would you happen to have any work I could do?
Butler: Well, we are looking for somebody to paint our porch, would you be interested?
Vagrant: Sure, how much does it pay?
Butler: I'll pay $100 if you paint the porch. But I'd like 2 coats and sanded lightly between coats of paint. We want it to last a long time.
Vagrant: Well in that case I'd like $150 as its a big job.
Butler: You have a deal. Here are the keys for the garage you will find paint and materials there. Help yourself. When you are done come back and see me and I'll pay you.

The vagrant takes the keys and heads to the garage.

Two hours later the vagrant comes and knocks on the front door.

Butler: Are you done already?
Vagrant: Yes, may I have my $150, please.
Butler: Did you apply two coats of paint sanding lightly between coats?
Vagrant: Yes, I did and by the way. It's not a porch its a Mercedes

 

[DerStrom8]

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the a**hole is usually in charge.

 

[DerStrom8]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

 

[killivolt]

A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe and he notices a couple of blondes from the public works department working across the street. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other blonde comes along behind her and shovels the dirt back in the hole. They go up and down the entire block like this. Finally, as they stop to work in front of the cafe, the man speaks up.

"I've been watching the two of you work, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is that you're doing."

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Oh, well normally there's three of us, but the girl who plants the trees is out sick today."

kv

Edit: Why Smoky Bear and his wife don't have any kids?

" Everytime she gets hot - He beats her with a shovel "

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

Husband Arrives Home Drunk Out of His Mind…

“Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

“Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

“He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night’

“‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

“Confused, he asked his son, So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’

“His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’

“Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirin: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS!!!”

 

[throbscottle]

Darn it I wish I could do both funny and like!

 

[djsfantasi]

Therapist: Now what is the problem here?
Wife: He keeps saying common phrases incorrectly...
Husband: Oh, cry me under the table, Linda!

 

[throbscottle]

A man goes to the doctor, he says
"Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog!"
The doctor says "how long have you felt like this?"
The man says
"Since I was a puppy!"

 

[throbscottle]

A man meets a hippy on the bus, he says,
"I see you've lost a shoe!"
The hippy says
"No man, I found one!"

 

[tvtech]

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the a**hole is usually in charge.

LOL!!!

Thanks for that Matt

 

[throbscottle]

An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says...

Spoiler: punchline

No funny business, you three!

 

[killivolt]

A Cajun man wants a job, but the forman won't hire him until he passes his math test, in hope to prevent hiring him.

forman : If you get all three questions right I'll hired you.


forman : "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."


cajun man : "Widout nummers?" "Dat's easay, and draws " Three Trees "


forman :"What's this?"


cajun man : "Dat rit-der is a Tree, an a Tree, an a Tree, dats nine."


forman : Ok, ok. "Here's the second question with the same rules, now the number is 99."


cajun man : Looks into space for a minute, he picks up the same picture and with a finger he makes a smudge on each tree. "Oh ya, Ere'ya go.


foreman : "How on earth is that 99?"


cajun man : " Na, Da, Trees is durty. Dat make durty Tree, an durty Tree, an durty Tree. Dats 99."


The formans desperate and might have to hire the Cajun.


forman : Last question and this is going to be the hardest one. This time the number is 100."


The Cajun takes a little more time, then he picks up the same picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere'ya go. 100."


forman : "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"


The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and say's.


"A little dowg cum an drop a turd on dem Trees. Now you get durty tree an a turd, durty tree an a turd, an durty tree an a turd, Dat's 100...


cajun man : Tanks fer da job.


kv

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[spec]

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement

At the front of Bristol Zoo in the UK, there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 buses. The charges were £1.40 for cars and £7 for buses. These fees were collected every day by a very pleasant and efficient car park attendant.

For 25 years the parking attendant never missing a day, come rain, snow, or sunshine, but one day he just didn't show. As the traffic had started to form a jam, the Zoo Management called Bristol City Council and asked them to send another parking attendant. About an hour later the council phoned back and said that the car park is the Zoo's responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The Council responded that no attendant for the zoo car park had been registered on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, basking in the sun somewhere on the coast of Spain, France or Italy ... is a man who'd installed a ticket machine and put up parking signs completely on his own initiative, and had simply shown up every day to collect the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day, 365 days a year for... 25 years, amounting to seven million pounds tax free. And no one even knows his name.

 

[large_ghostman]

Man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers zipper, the doctor takes one look and say's " what the hell is that?" The man says " dunno, but its driving me nuts "

 

[spec]

To illustrate how school exams have been dummed down, here are some third grade questions.

The student only needs four correct answers to to pass.

Could you pass the test?

You have one minute:


QUESTIONS

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after which creatures?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in commercial airplanes?






ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what creatures? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in commercial airplanes? Orange

 

[large_ghostman]

I got 9 out of ten right, I got question 9 wrong as I put Tesco's (a supermarket in UK)

 

[spec]

I got 9 out of ten right, I got question 9 wrong as I put Tesco's (a supermarket in UK)

I got ten out of ten wrong because I fell into the psychological trap.

spec

 

[spec]

Mark, cheesed off with his job and the miserable UK weather, decided to join the men in Aus. He ended up getting a job on a farm in the outback. As he chopped the weeds between the corn, the hand in the next row asked,
"Whadya think of it, now you've been out here for a couple of months?"

"Excellent!. Fresh air, sunshine, exercise, and a good bunch of mates. There is just one thing though- there's no women, not even a bar maid. What do you do for a bit of you know what?.

"No worries there matey- there is the sheep."

"Oh!"

One morning a huge dust cloud appeared to the south. Immediately, all the farm hands threw down their hoes and started running towards it. Not wanting to be different, Mark did the same. But, as he was running he asked the chap next to him what they were running for. He said,
"It's the sheep. They're coming."

"Yeah, but why are we running?"

"Well, you wouldn't wanna get an ugly one would you!"

 

[spec]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a laptop to place in his sack, when an weird voice echoed in the dark, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze.

After a while, when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he was pulling the TV out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard the voice again, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his flashlight around the room, cautiously, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight illuminated a parrot in a cage.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? Who the hell are you to warn me?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" mocked the burglar. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."