Want a good laugh?

Jesus is manning reception at the Pearly Gates because Saint Peter has 'flu.
A white-haired old man slowly makes his way to the desk with the aid of a walking stick.
Jesus says,
"Good afternoon. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the old man, "I was hoping to enter heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you, but we do have certain rules. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such a privilege?"

"I haven't done anything special myself." says the old man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life. But my son, now he was special!" With pride in his voice the old man says, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, he underwent a miraculous transformation and to this day he's known and loved throughout the world."

As Jesus listens to the story, a sense of recognition comes to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he throws open his arms and cries, "Father!"

Moved by this outburst, the old man throws open his arms too and croaks, "Pinocchio!"

Ever since she could remember, Mrs McDonald's late husband had stored an oil painting and a violin in the attic. Hearing that 'The Antiques Road Show' was being held in Dundee that week, she decided to take them both in for identification and valuation.

She laid the two items on the table in front of Arthur Negus, who carefully examined them through a magnifying glass. After five minutes he looked up in amazement and said,
"I can't believe it- what you have got here is a Stradivarius and a van Gogh. Unfortunately, Stradivarius was no painter and van Gogh made lousy violins."

A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me Ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know ****?

A Brit takes his seat on a 757 at Kennedy Airport. As he settles in, he can't believe his luck; a slinky redhead slides into the seat beside him. Anxious to make contact he says,
"Hello; why are you flying to Philadelphia?"

She smiles, and replies,
"I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac's convention."

He swallows hard, struggling to maintain his cool.
"Oh!"

She brushes her hair back and looks onto his eyes.
"Yes, I will be speaking on common misconceptions about men."

"Oh!"

"For example it is generally thought that African men are well-endowed but, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who has the most to offer. Another belief is that Frenchmen are good lovers, but I find that Irish men romance women best. Also, Scots men are thought to be mean but, to me, they are the most generous."

Then she turned bright red.
"Oh, I'm sorry; I feel so embarrassed telling you all this when we have only just met; I don't even know your name."

He extends a hand and says,
"Tonto... Tonto Mac-O'Sullivan."

Osama Bin Laden decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI
so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian
Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'

Two redneck hunters, Bubba and Cletus have just shot a deer; they are dragging it back to their truck.

Another hunter walks by and says,
"Hey, I don't wan'a be a smart Alec, but if you drag the deer from the tail end it will be much easier- then the antlers won't dig in the dirt."

After the hunter has gone, they decide to give it a try.

A little while later Bubba says,
"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," replies Cletus, "but the only thing is, we're a gittin' further away from the truck..."

After being 'out of town' for a month, Frank 'The Enforcer' Nitti and Jake 'Greasy Thumb' Gusik stroll into the Starlight Lounge of the Lexington Hotel in Chicago for a meeting with their boss, Al 'Scarface' Capone. Jake says,
"Hello Al- what's new?"

"Things, they not going so good. That FBI arsehole Ness is giving me heat and Bugs Moran and Dean O’Banion, from the north side, are making moves on the outfit's speakeasies and brothels."

"Bad news Al, but Frank will soon fix things. How's that lovely wife of yours?"

"The wife, she's a dead."

"Dead! How can she be dead?" Jake exclaimed, "She was only twenty-one. How did she die?"

"She a died of syphilis."

"Syphilis! This is 1926 Al. They got drugs. People don't die of syphilis in 1926."

"They do if they a give it to me!"

Bubba Reeve married his wife sixty-eight years ago when she was only thirteen. But, one morning, Bubba wakes to find Emily Sue cold and motionless beside him. In a panic, he dials the Mississippi emergency service on 911.

The operator says,
"We will get an ambulance there right away. Where do you live?"

"Dexter, ten miles east of Tylertown"

"What street?"

"Eucalyptus Drive."

"Can you spell that for me?"

Following a long pause, Bubba says,

"How 'bout if I take her on the back of the truck over to Oak Street- could you pick her up from there?"

Robert Gates, the US Secretary of Defence, is briefing George Bush.
He concludes by saying,
"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq."

"Oh, no." the President exclaims holding his head between his hands, "That's terrible."

His staff are surprised by this display of emotion.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"Exactly how many is a brazilion?"

Jock, John, and Spud are sitting in a Seattle down-town bar-room enjoying a drink and chat after a hard day at the Boeing Skunk Works.

"Ya know," said Jock, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called MacKenzie's. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars- when you’ve bought four drinks, he will give you a fifth for free."

"Reminds me of my old local, The Kings Head at Glastonbury." said John, "The guvnor there always laid on bread, cheese, and pickles for the regulars in the bar."

"That’s nothing." said Spud. "Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another- all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had a skin-full, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid- all on the house."

"Fantastic!" said John, “And this actually happened to you?"

"Not me, personally, no. But it did happen to my sister!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, "I don't think I am", and *poof* he disappears.

This is where philosophers start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Software Engineer

A software engineer, hardware engineer and a manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road and brakes failed. The car went out of control, bouncing off of gaurd rails until it ground to a halt. The passengers were not hurt but were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know", said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way".

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got a Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the brake system, find the problem, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top and see if it happens again?"

What is Sex?

A young girl went to her dad, who was working outside. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised by the question. He decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth wide open. Then her father asked her, "Why did you decide to ask about this?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

A Bournemouth senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes AMG convertible out of the car showsroom. Taking off down the A338 Spur Road, he accelerated to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his wisps of grey hair.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M27 toward Southampton, accelerating even more. Looking in the mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him- no problem!" thought the elderly fella as he accelerated to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph... Then, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the hard shoulder and waited. Five minutes later the police car screeched to a halt behind him. The police officer walked up to the Merc driver's window, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, it's Friday. In ten minutes time my shift ends and I will be taking off for the coast with my girl friend. If I book you now the paperwork will take half an hour so, if you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a caution."

The old boy, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Twenty years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

Paul, the office Casanova, finally gets Becky alone in his flat.
She is dipping into a box of Black Magic while watching 'Ready Steady Go' on TV.
Paul returns from the bathroom walking rather awkwardly.

He sits beside her on the settee and says,
"If I'd have known you were a virgin I wouldn't have done that."

Becky replies,
"If I'd have known you were going to do that, I'd have taken my tights off."

Mother Superior and Sister Anastasia are driving through Transylvania in their Morris Minor. It is dusk and they feel peckish, so they stop for a sandwich. Dracula, the price of darkness, also feeling peckish, lands on the bonnet and is eyeing up Sister Anastasia through the windscreen. Mother Superior says,
"Show him your cross."

Sister Anastasia winds her window down and shouts,
"Why don't you bugger off."

George, Bill, and Tim write themselves off in a car crash. After registration at Pearly Gates reception, they are directed to God's office in the penthouse suite.

God asks George if he has been faithful to his wife during his life on earth.
He admits to three affairs, so God allocates him a Vauxhall Corsa to drive in heaven.

Bill had only sinned once and is given a Ford Focus.

Tim says that his wife is the only woman for him and he has always been faithful to her. God praises him and gives him an Aston Martin.

A week later the three friends meet in The Angel, a local pub. Tim is obviously upset.

"What's the matter?" asks George.

"I just passed my wife."

"That's nice- why didn't you stop and give her a lift?"

"She was on a skate board!"

Q: Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.

“Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor. “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I’ll be…”

The civil engineer breaks in:
“But before that he created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering to me.”

The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
“And who do you think created chaos?”