Is There an Engineering Type: what is your experience?

[throbscottle]

Hmm, with me it's people who are cruel to animals

 

[spec]

Hmm, with me it's people who are cruel to animals

Yeah and kids

 

[Mikebits]

I've been threatening (wishing) to own a machine like that to drive around for years. The ultimate road rage ride (I love alliterations )

About 20 years ago here is San Diego, an ex Army Vet stole a tank, and rampaged thru SD. In the end he lost his life.

 

[spec]

Hell- that's frightening. I can remember that incident now Mike

 

[strantor]

 

[spec]

Hilarious- but some truth in it.
One of my mates ex wifes blames their split on the fact that he is an engineer. But that is just another example of her irrationality. I think he is just too nice.

 

[strantor]

just another example of her irrationality. I think he is just too nice.

Yes, what is this, "need" for turmoil?
I didn't understand it when I first got into a serious relationship, and I still don't, but I have learned how to navigate it.
I'm a pretty agreeable person. I'll concede even when I know I'm right (if it's not that important), I'll stay objective, and I'll try to maintain a calm, rational proceeding of disagreement.
In a word, "nice" as you say.
But the wife, I think she needs a quarterly (or at least biannual) fight.
I can feel it coming a week or more prior; it's like a tension that builds and builds. I can tell that everything I say or do irritates her, even if she doesn't come right out and tell me.
She looks for things to ***** about, and if I leave no low hanging fruit, she invents offenses out of thin air.
When I can tell she's ripe, I just turn into the Asphole she sees me for, and I let her have it.
We have our fight (verbal, never physical) about nothing and everything, she cries, makes me feel bad, I apologize, admit it was all my fault, and that's the end of it.
She gets it out of her system and everything returns to normal for the next few months.
The fight usually coincides with her menstrual cycle, but it can't be wholly attributed to that; it's like the menstrual wave is just a carrier for a lower frequency biittch wave.

I figured out though early on, that if I do not indulge her fight cravings, things only get worse.
At the peak of the first wave, we weren't quite a year married, and it looked like we might be heading toward the end.
For over a month I kept trying to be cool and calm and handle her irrational beefs with me by pointing out the flaws in her logic. That only added fuel to the fire.
She threatened to leave and go back to the Philippines. I knew that if she left I'd probably never see her again.
She was 7 months pregnant with our first baby and I told her that if she was going to leave, I wanted her gone before the baby was born.
I told her I didn't want to see that precious baby face and fall in love with it, only to have it ripped away from me.
She was appalled that I would respond that way instead of begging for her to stay; I guess she saw it as a "dick move."
So ensued our first big fight. And then in less than 2 days it was over and we were back to being madly in love.

The next time the beast came back around I already knew what needed to happen but I did it a lot sooner, before threats of separation.
The time after that, I tried even sooner. Too soon that time. That time, I really was a dick, and I really did feel bad about it.
But then I knew when/where the "sweet spot" was - The time when she's ripe and I give her hell.

I have no idea the reason for this, but I theorize it's some kind of primal instinct.
I theorize that as much as popular feminist propaganda would like us to believe, men are biologically wired to be dominant, and women are biologically wired to be submissive.
I theorize that women crave domination kind of like how a child craves discipline.
If you don't discipline a child, they will act out. They will be unhappy. They will push the bounds, way past where the bounds are. They will literally taunt you to punish them. Disciplined kids are happy kids. They know where the boundaries are, and they are happy to remain within the boundaries, albeit with an occasional test to see if the boundaries have moved.
I think that women are the same way. They have a biological need to be clubbed over the head and dragged around by their hair behind a caveman.
If you're too nice, they subconsciously feel like there's something missing; like there's something you're not giving them that they deserve - a good show of force.
My experience says that the egotistical womanizer, despite all the negative things women say about him, is the one most likely to have his pick among women.
My experience says that the nice guy finishes last.
My experience says that you can be good hearted, nice person, and still get the girl. But if you want to keep her, occasionally you're going to have to go out of your way to give her a good firm reminder who's boss.
I realize that in 2016 in the western world (except maybe in Australia) that last sentence probably sounds sacrilegious, but I just call it like I see it. There has to be a hierarchy; without a chain of command, there is no direction. Someone has to be at the top of the food chain, and from what I can tell, humans' brains are wired such that that role is expected of the male; regardless of what we profess to believe consciously about gender roles, biology has its own agenda.

So unless someone can enlighten me to an alternative viewpoint, I'll continue being the nicest guy on block, until I need to be a dick, and then I'll be a dick.
I'm curious if anyone else has made this observation or has another take on it. If this sounds familiar to you, how do you handle it?

 

[DerStrom8]

Yes, what is this, "need" for turmoil?
I didn't understand it when I first got into a serious relationship, and I still don't, but I have learned how to navigate it.
I'm a pretty agreeable person. I'll concede even when I know I'm right (if it's not that important), I'll stay objective, and I'll try to maintain a calm, rational proceeding of disagreement.
In a word, "nice" as you say.
But the wife, I think she needs a quarterly (or at least biannual) fight.
I can feel it coming a week or more prior; it's like a tension that builds and builds. I can tell that everything I say or do irritates her, even if she doesn't come right out and tell me.
She looks for things to ***** about, and if I leave no low hanging fruit, she invents offenses out of thin air.
When I can tell she's ripe, I just turn into the Asphole she sees me for, and I let her have it.
We have our fight (verbal, never physical) about nothing and everything, she cries, makes me feel bad, I apologize, admit it was all my fault, and that's the end of it.
She gets it out of her system and everything returns to normal for the next few months.
The fight usually coincides with her menstrual cycle, but it can't be wholly attributed to that; it's like the menstrual wave is just a carrier for a lower frequency biittch wave.

I figured out though early on, that if I do not indulge her fight cravings, things only get worse.
At the peak of the first wave, we weren't quite a year married, and it looked like we might be heading toward the end.
For over a month I kept trying to be cool and calm and handle her irrational beefs with me by pointing out the flaws in her logic. That only added fuel to the fire.
She threatened to leave and go back to the Philippines. I knew that if she left I'd probably never see her again.
She was 7 months pregnant with our first baby and I told her that if she was going to leave, I wanted her gone before the baby was born.
I told her I didn't want to see that precious baby face and fall in love with it, only to have it ripped away from me.
She was appalled that I would respond that way instead of begging for her to stay; I guess she saw it as a "dick move."
So ensued our first big fight. And then in less than 2 days it was over and we were back to being madly in love.

The next time the beast came back around I already knew what needed to happen but I did it a lot sooner, before threats of separation.
The time after that, I tried even sooner. Too soon that time. That time, I really was a dick, and I really did feel bad about it.
But then I knew when/where the "sweet spot" was - The time when she's ripe and I give her hell.

I have no idea the reason for this, but I theorize it's some kind of primal instinct.
I theorize that as much as popular feminist propaganda would like us to believe, men are biologically wired to be dominant, and women are biologically wired to be submissive.
I theorize that women crave domination kind of like how a child craves discipline.
If you don't discipline a child, they will act out. They will be unhappy. They will push the bounds, way past where the bounds are. They will literally taunt you to punish them. Disciplined kids are happy kids. They know where the boundaries are, and they are happy to remain within the boundaries, albeit with an occasional test to see if the boundaries have moved.
I think that women are the same way. They have a biological need to be clubbed over the head and dragged around by their hair behind a caveman.
If you're too nice, they subconsciously feel like there's something missing; like there's something you're not giving them that they deserve - a good show of force.
My experience says that the egotistical womanizer, despite all the negative things women say about him, is the one most likely to have his pick among women.
My experience says that the nice guy finishes last.
My experience says that you can be good hearted, nice person, and still get the girl. But if you want to keep her, occasionally you're going to have to go out of your way to give her a good firm reminder who's boss.
I realize that in 2016 in the western world (except maybe in Australia) that last sentence probably sounds sacrilegious, but I just call it like I see it. There has to be a hierarchy; without a chain of command, there is no direction. Someone has to be at the top of the food chain, and from what I can tell, humans' brains are wired such that that role is expected of the male; regardless of what we profess to believe consciously about gender roles, biology has its own agenda.

So unless someone can enlighten me to an alternative viewpoint, I'll continue being the nicest guy on block, until I need to be a dick, and then I'll be a dick.
I'm curious if anyone else has made this observation or has another take on it. If this sounds familiar to you, how do you handle it?

Wow, only quarterly/bi-annual? For me it's quarter/bi-weekly!

I definitely feel like I'm the more logical one in the relationship but I often give in just to end the argument (if it's not too important). If it is important, we both walk away for a while (usually angry) and then come back ten minutes later in better moods, talk it out, apologize, and make up. I'm hoping that as the marriage continues (we just got married in October) the fights (always verbal) come less often. I have been told the first year is the worst.

With a baby on the way, I really hope things settle soon. We'll be stressed enough taking care of our family without having constant arguments with each other!

Matt

 

[tvtech]

That was a very good post Strantor. Very true things you said there.

I got divorced because my wife came second to my work and projects. I did not do it on purpose. Just happened that way.
If I have my teeth into a project it comes first

Bad me

I'm learning now how to balance things and keep happiness where it counts most...Mommy (wife) happy....everyone happy

Sigh

tv

 

[spec]

stantor and DS8, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. Do you remember the question: 'Think women are logical'.

As I got older and was no longer any 'threat' to females, the girls at work used to discuss their affairs with me man to man. I will never forget what one girl said: 'I think I will give my husband hell tonight'. I asked what he had done wrong. She replied, 'Nothing- I just feel like giving him hell!' I thought she was messing around, but no she was serious. I have since heard a similar thing a number of times.

As a male, and especially, an engineering type, logic is fundamentally important to you- it's how you operate. Not so with women. Being logical to them is in the same category as being able to swim or play pool. It's not a fundamental principal. Couple that with their monthly cycle/being pregnant and their general neurosis you have a fine mix.

Where do you fit in all this. Quite simply you are the leader, provider, protector of your wife and your children and her nest. If you flinch from this role, and show any weakness, you are done. As you say stantor, it's the nice guys that loose out, I think because they don't display any aggression. The clearest example of this was one of the guys in our group of about 12 couples who had their first ofspring at the same time.

This guy was good looking, charming character, always fixing the house which was immaculate, worked his balls off so he could buy his wife good stuff. The women said that he was 'the ideal husband'. Even I was impressed, and somewhat guilty, especially when he helped out with the washing up and hovering etc. They had two nice kids, boy and girl, they got on fine too. They never had a row to my knowledge. One day the wife packed her things and ran off with a student 10 years her junior. After 35 years she is still with him. Out of the 12 couples only 2 are still together and every time it has been the wife.

Another wife left a good looking intelligent computer engineer, also with a pleasant character. When I met the chap she is with I couldn't believe it- a spindly, not to bright, truck driver (nothing against truck drivers by the way), who takes her country line dancing. She is still with him, living in a small flat, and seems quite happy.

People will say, 'Oh my wife is different', and so she may be, but in the main I have found a relationship where someone is boss, often the woman, and someone is subservient in a kind of mother son arrangement. Another situation, for a harmonious relationship, is where there is absolutely no contact between the two partners whatsoever. This is very common in my limited experience. They may be harmonious, but they are not marriages.

I will get my coat now.

 

[strantor]

Wow, only quarterly/bi-annual? For me it's quarter/bi-weekly!

I definitely feel like I'm the more logical one in the relationship but I often give in just to end the argument (if it's not too important). If it is important, we both walk away for a while (usually angry) and then come back ten minutes later in better moods, talk it out, apologize, and make up. I'm hoping that as the marriage continues (we just got married in October) the fights (always verbal) come less often. I have been told the first year is the worst.

With a baby on the way, I really hope things settle soon. We'll be stressed enough taking care of our family without having constant arguments with each other!

Matt

Congratulations man! I didn't know you had gotten married. That's awesome, and a baby on the way! You excited to be a dad? Haha, some little person is going to squeeze out of your wife and puke and crap on you, and you're going to like it.

 

[strantor]

That was a very good post Strantor. Very true things you said there.

I got divorced because my wife came second to my work and projects. I did not do it on purpose. Just happened that way.
If I have my teeth into a project it comes first

Bad me

I'm learning now how to balance things and keep happiness where it counts most...Mommy (wife) happy....everyone happy

Sigh

tv

Sorry to hear that. I need a reminder from time to time what my priorities should be. You've given me that reminder just now, thank you for sharing your lesson.

 

[DerStrom8]

stantor and DS8, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. Do you remember the question: 'Think women are logical'.

I thought about that as I was writing my post but I don't think it really has to do with the fact that she's a woman. I know some very logical women. It's just this one in particular needs some explanation from time to time (I don't love her any less though ).

Congratulations man! I didn't know you had gotten married. That's awesome, and a baby on the way! You excited to be a dad? Haha, some little person is going to squeeze out of your wife and puke and crap on you, and you're going to like it.

Thanks strantor! We're both very excited, though I'm a bit anxious. I've never been good with kids--They all seem scared of me. I'm kind of curious how this little bugger will deal with my strange and awkward behavior.....

We're going in for our 20-week ultrasound in a few weeks. Until then, my wife thinks it's a boy and I think it's a girl. Only time will tell which of us is right! I get the feeling though that if it's a girl she'll take after my wife and be very artistic, and if it's a by he'll take after me and be more logical. If the latter is true he'll know how to use an oscilloscope and blink an LED with a 555 timer by the time he starts Kindergarten!

 

[tvtech]

Now this is a good chat. Thanks Matt my old Buddy and Strantor. I am happy you are here from AAC Strantor. You are someone that also has seen stuff...

Gotta find life solutions

Whew

tv

 

[throbscottle]

Wow, I'm glad it's not just me! Wish I had a pound for every time I had tears and upset and silence-instead-of-arguing with the lady who is now my wife - all because I said one thing and she heard something I didn't mean. Weekly. Sometimes several times a week. By now though she is more tolerant and I am more careful.

A gf of many years ago, we were fighting almost daily. I left to protect us from us.

Very common problem though, this mis-communication. I read a book on the subject, entitled "That's not what I meant!" by Deborah Tannen. Basically men and women use the same words, but we aren't really speaking the same language. Interesting read.

 

[tvtech]

Exciting times Matt

You are probably THE most stable person I have shared ups and downs with on the NET
I have a good feeling that all will be OK

Your wife and child will be blessed by having you in their lives.

Trust me

tv

 

[tvtech]

You there throb?

 

[throbscottle]

Who me? I'm here!

 

[tvtech]

Good. Taking a break from here where I live for 7 (SEVEN) days .

Ahh. Gonna chill and totally unstress

Whew. See the sea again and eat nice food and chill. And think about life. And try and make things better.

And spoil myself.

I wanna eat Seafood. Lots of it. Did I say lots?. LOTS

Ahhh

tv

 

[throbscottle]

Good for you TV - enjoy your 7 (SEVEN) day break, self spoilage, and mass consumption of sea creatures