Post some funny stuff...

[rjenkinsgb]

Sometime around the late 1960s or early 1970s, I was in the village near where I lived and found that the territorial army (or some similar military / cadets force) had an exhibition on.

On part was a squad repeatedly "firing" a mortar; alternately dropping a dummy round in, then tipping it out and dropping a flashbang in instead, to simulate firing.

As I was walking back past that part, they managed to get the sequence messed up - flashbang AND dummy round.
The sound when it went off was rather different to the flashbang in an empty tube!

The people supervising seemed to get rather agitated at that point and the mortar demo stopped.

According to a local newspaper, the dummy shell was found sometime later in a garden at the other side of the village... Luckily no one was in the way at either end of its path!

 

[rjenkinsgb]

Rather more recently, I'd just set off from home to go to a customers and turned on to a main road behind an old Suzuki jeep style truck.

I though the real wheel protrusion was a bit excessive - then realised it was only at one side. The entire rear axle was floating freely side to side as he was driving!

Photos below, stills blown up from dashcam screen grabs & unfortunately not all that detailed at this scale.
The back axle is visibly off centre in the first photo, then shifts the other way as he turns right just before the traffic lights. As he turns left off the main road it looks like the left wheel is entirely outside the bodywork!

The white pickup overtook me in a rather dodgy way, I think he was attempting to shield the Suzuki from view, to some extent - as well as shouting insults and laughing at the driver, whilst stood at the traffic lights.

 

[Pommie]

@rjenkinsgb

Is that in the UK? It looks like it.

Mike.

 

[rjenkinsgb]

Is that in the UK? It looks like it.

Yes, it is - Worksop, about 15 miles east of Sheffield.

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

Yes, it is - Worksop, about 15 miles east of Sheffield.

Well, what can you expect in Worksop!

 

[Mickster]

What follows can be told as individual jokes, or combined for a double-whammy.

1:
I got on a train today and found myself paired up in one of the sleeper carriages, opposite a very beautiful woman, who was reading a book entitled 'Sexual statistics'.
She didn't stir as I sat down, so I briefly looked around the carriage and then pulled out a magazine.
After a few minutes, I noticed her look up from the book and our eyes met. Getting over the initial fear of speaking to her, I inquired "Good book is it?"
She put the book on her lap, took off her reading glasses and put them on top, then leaned forwards and said "Actually, it's particularly interesting, did you know that the native American Indians have the thickest male reproductive organs, and the Polish have the longest?"........"Oh, please forgive me, my name is Jane, what's yours?"

I replied "Tonto Kowalski."

2:
I was on a train, in a sleeper carriage, and got chatting to an attractive lady who was in my compartment.
It got late and we both got into our bunks, she took the bottom and I took the top.
It started to get quite cold, so since she was closer to the blanket storage compartment, I said "It's pretty cold in here, would you mind passing me another blanket?"
She said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we are married."
Enthusiastically, I said "That's cool with me!".
Then she said "Get your own frickin blanket"

 

[Mickster]

A few weeks ago, I was stopped at an intersection waiting to turn.
I heard a screech and then someone hit me from behind.
After getting out of my car, I was met with the sight of the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes upon.
She said "I'm so sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention and didn't see that you had stopped."
Stroking my face, she said "Are you ok?....By the way, you're kinda cute."
I said "I'm fine, and there doesn't seem to be much damage to my car, but your bumper is hanging off and your lights are smashed".
She said "It's nothing money can't fix. My rich ex-husband is loaded and I'm still on his insurance. Our divorce was finalized last week and it's time I moved on with my life. I feel that fate has brought us together, I just came from the store and have a bottle of Chablis, would you like to share it with me and celebrate our meeting up?"
I said "Sure."
We got talking and I took a swig, then handed the bottle back to her.
She talked about being an ex-cheerleader and passed the bottle back, I took a swig, then passed the bottle back to her.
She went all through her modelling career, passing the bottle back to me, then I caught myself.
I said "Aren't you going to share this bottle with me?"
She said "Nope, I think I am just going to wait for the Police to turn up!".

 

[rjenkinsgb]

OK...

A little girl wonders out of her house and goes to her Father, who's washing the car.

"Daddy, what sex?"
Her father thinks, she's only five, how has she heard about sex ?? She must have overheard someone at school talking.

After a couple of minutes of panic and trying to figure out what to say, he eventually asks her where she heard the word.

She replies:


Mummy said, tell daddy that dinner would only be a couple of secs"..

 

[DrG]

&^%@$$#! Rats...now, you watch, they will start texting while driving !

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

&^%@$$#! Rats...now, you watch, they will start texting while driving !

Intelligent rats wouldn't - only total morons would do something so stupid!.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[gophert]

&^%@$$#! Rats...now, you watch, they will start texting while driving !

People are too bored driving at 60mph so they text to occupy their mind. They should raise the speed limit to at least 90, very soon after that, there will be fewer people texting.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

“Law & Order” is an American TV show about police & prosecuting lawyers.
This is using their opening intro.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[DrG]

I appreciate the international variety of the members here. I don't play/follow Rugby. This guy is priceless - best laugh I have had so far today...especially the last lines.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.


Steven Wright

 

[Mickster]

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.


Steven Wright

I have a trophy wife, but she only got a plaque...

 

[gophert]

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.


Steven Wright

A "Participation Trophy" Wife?

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

This is the theme music from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly movie, done by The Danish National Symphony Orchestra. I think the music is cool but it is amusing, watching them do the vocal sound affects with a strait face.

 

[JimB]

Thank you for that ClydeCK.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly is one of my all time favourite films, and the music by Ennio Morriconi is superb.

In the video of the Danish orchestra there are actually two separate musical pieces, it starts off with the main title theme and halfway through the video continues with the music from the scene where Tuco (the Eli Wallach character) is running around the graveyard looking for the grave which he thinks has the gold.

JimB