Post some funny stuff...

[Mickster]

A Vicar was complaining to his curate about his bicycle being stolen.

"I have a cunning plan," said the Vicar. "During my sermon on Sunday I'll read out the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal' I'll pause and look around the congregation. God will give me a sign, and I'll soon know who the thief is."

Sunday came around, and the Vicar raced through the ten commandments without so much as a breath.

After the service, the curate said "I thought you were going to pause at 'thou shalt not steal'?".

"I was", said the Vicar, "but when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left the bike.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[throbscottle]

( Whilst wearing my AG look-a-like disguise suit )

INCORRECT !

If they were sitting around the table then the front legs of the chairs may be under the table too ! = 20;

But then, if the chairs came from Ebay they're probably Chinese fake junk so the front legs will be broken 10 x 1/2 leg = 15;



MM

Nah, they are sitting on 3 legged stools...

 

[throbscottle]

True story...
I went down to my local pub one evening, some bloke was stood at the bar telling joke after joke to a rapt audience of locals. Well I went to get a drink, and as the barman pulled my pint I caught the man's eye and said "have you heard the one about the dancing duck?" To which I received, in a none too pleasant tone of voice, "that was one of mine, actually".

I thought "what?" and then I thought "miserable bu**er", so off I went to get quietly drunk.

Several weeks later I was chatting to someone, and she said "oh you know, old Dudley comes here for his holidays and nobody bothers him". At this point it occurred to me why this bloke looked vaguely familiar.

RIP Dudley Moore. Sorry for being a d*ck.

 

[Mickster]

Sorry for being a d*ck.

IMO, you weren't, he was.
Could've just humored you...and taken that time to line up his next joke.

 

[atferrari]

Dudley Moore the actor?

 

[Mickster]

Dudley Moore the actor?

Yes, and comedian. He had a partnership with Peter Cook and they called themselves 'Derek and Clive' for some time, where they did skits that would certainly not be acceptable today.
One of the lesser-offensive skits is the horse race. (I won't link it here, just search the Googler for "derek and clive horse race youtube".)

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

Dudley Moore the actor?

I think he was a comedian who acted as well, and did some fairly big films.

 

[throbscottle]

I only ever saw him in films. But after I had my moment of realisation I felt such an idiot for not recognising him. He's not exactly a forgettable face!

 

[Mickster]

Just been banned from the Flat Earth Society.
I asked if social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[HotkutExarch]

View attachment 120549

Solid gold toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace, birthplace of Winston Churchill

Police are trying to recover a toilet made entirely from 18-carat-gold said to be worth around $6 million that was stolen Saturday morning from Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, England, the stately home where former prime minister Winston Churchill was born.

www.cnn.com

There is something very wrong about a solid gold toilet...it aint no Ferguson!

I bet that toilet's worth much more than my car.

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

I bet that toilet's worth much more than my car.

I don't know what you drive?, but seeing as the quote you posted said it contained over $6,000,000 of gold I seriously hope your car isn't worth more?

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

This reminds me of a Chaperone at a Junior high school dance.
Maybe Lover’s Lane too.

 

[ClydeCrashKop]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[gophert]

Haunted music with Tesla coils.

 

[gophert]

 

[gophert]

 

[nsaspook]

CC to english.

German government ad hails couch potatoes as virus heroes

BERLIN (AP) — The German government has released a tongue-in-cheek ad hailing an unlikely hero in the fight against the coronavirus pandemic: the humble couch potato.

apnews.com