Post some funny stuff...

Social-distance-wrestling:


I don't see any real difference from regular wrestling......
EDIT: There is some strong language.

Who knew the Simpsons Movie was a prophecy?

Dammit, just jumped out of my skin for a second in the workshop!

Was knelt down in front of a workbench, sizing some bearings on a shaft. It's not a brightly-lit area, but not particularly dark either, sort of in-between.
I looked up to reach for another shaft from the shelf underneath the bench, and caught some movement coming from behind the bench.
Upon focusing, over the pile of crap on that shelf, I was met with a pair of eyes, which widened in surprise at the same time as mine did! I wasn't expecting anyone else to be in my workshop, so it came as a bit of a shock.

My heart skipped a beat, until I recognized who it was.

It was me.....I had stood one of those tall mirrors, the type which are usually hung on a door, against the other side of the bench some time ago, reflective side toward the bench, and forgotten that it was there.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

Once I ordered a dress and eagerly waiting to have it. The parcel received and I opened it to try my new dress. Unfortunately, there was nothing and I called the company to ask where's my dress. They apologized and promised me to send my dress while telling me to try lady Godiva dress I received

If 1 Grandmother, 2 mothers, 2 daughters, and 1 granddaughter are sitting around a four-legged table, how many legs are there under the table?

what is your answer?

Aurelia said:

how many legs are there under the table?

Click to expand...

There is not enough information, some of the people around the table may be amputees.

JimB

They may also be sat around the table, but adhering to the 6ft social-distance guidelines...

Aurelia said:

If 1 Grandmother, 2 mothers, 2 daughters, and 1 granddaughter are sitting around a four-legged table, how many legs are there under the table?

what is your answer?

Click to expand...

Sounds like one of the things my granddad used to say when I was a youngster(72 now). The answere is four, since it is a four legged table.

One or more people may also qualify as one or more of daughter, grandmother, mother... So a pair of females may be the minimum if we are counting people legs sitting "around" the table with their legs under the table.

I posted this in the funny images thread but it fits here too.

Many years ago, a very good friend and his wife (with a couple of young kids) bought a larger house.
The interior was dated by about 30 years and needed to be completely 'modernized'.
We stripped out all of the old wall & floor coverings, kitchen & bathroom tiling, sinks and tubs, kid's bedrooms etc.
A couple of doorways were also bricked up, and re-cut in different locations, so there was a large amount of debris to be cleaned up.
My friend was at the top of a step-ladder, removing an old light fixture from the ceiling, whilst his wife was sweeping the floor.
I had my back to them, working on a switch/socket or something.
We were all in the same room.
His wife announced that she was going off to do something else in another room, can't remember what that was, but it's not important.
A few minutes later, I heard something muffled, then a yelp.
Upon turning round, I saw that my friend was on his tip-toes, half-way down the ladder steps, with the broom handle lodged where the sun doesn't shine.
His wife had placed the broom against the step-ladder, when she went off to the other room.

If it was deliberate he has obviously forgiven her, as they are still happily married.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and.…
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

shortbus= said:

Sounds like one of the things my granddad used to say when I was a youngster(72 now). The answere is four, since it is a four legged table.

Click to expand...

it was my first answer.. but it was wrong.. the answer is 10..

1 Grandmother - (2)

2 mothers (Grandmother and her daughter (2))

2 daughters ( mother and her daughter)

1 Granddaughter (2)

3 people (6) + four-legged table - 10


I

Mickster said:

If it was deliberate he has obviously forgiven her, as they are still happily married.

Click to expand...

Not as obvious as you may think. He doesn't have to forgive her if she's doing it on purpose because he likes that kind of thing.

Aurelia said:

it was my first answer.. but it was wrong.. the answer is 10.. .. .. .. .


.. .. .. .. 3 people (6) + four-legged table - 10

Click to expand...

( Whilst wearing my AG look-a-like disguise suit )

INCORRECT !

If they were sitting around the table then the front legs of the chairs may be under the table too ! = 20;

But then, if the chairs came from Ebay they're probably Chinese fake junk so the front legs will be broken 10 x 1/2 leg = 15;



MM

So any number but definitely ! = 20.

Mike.

I once used an online dating site and arranged to meet this lass from Yorkshire, as her profile said we had similar interests.

From the size of her, it quickly transpired that 'enjoys eating owt' wasn't a typo.