Post some funny stuff...

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A Vicar was complaining to his curate about his bicycle being stolen.

"I have a cunning plan," said the Vicar. "During my sermon on Sunday I'll read out the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal' I'll pause and look around the congregation. God will give me a sign, and I'll soon know who the thief is."

Sunday came around, and the Vicar raced through the ten commandments without so much as a breath.

After the service, the curate said "I thought you were going to pause at 'thou shalt not steal'?".

"I was", said the Vicar, "but when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left the bike.
 
Nah, they are sitting on 3 legged stools...
 
True story...
I went down to my local pub one evening, some bloke was stood at the bar telling joke after joke to a rapt audience of locals. Well I went to get a drink, and as the barman pulled my pint I caught the man's eye and said "have you heard the one about the dancing duck?" To which I received, in a none too pleasant tone of voice, "that was one of mine, actually".

I thought "what?" and then I thought "miserable bu**er", so off I went to get quietly drunk.

Several weeks later I was chatting to someone, and she said "oh you know, old Dudley comes here for his holidays and nobody bothers him". At this point it occurred to me why this bloke looked vaguely familiar.

RIP Dudley Moore. Sorry for being a d*ck.
 
atferrari said:
Dudley Moore the actor?
Click to expand...
Yes, and comedian. He had a partnership with Peter Cook and they called themselves 'Derek and Clive' for some time, where they did skits that would certainly not be acceptable today.
One of the lesser-offensive skits is the horse race. (I won't link it here, just search the Googler for "derek and clive horse race youtube".)
 
I only ever saw him in films. But after I had my moment of realisation I felt such an idiot for not recognising him. He's not exactly a forgettable face!
 

I bet that toilet's worth much more than my car.
 
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